Hello out there!
I started this Holy Hunger post several years ago and think its about time I get back on this unruly horse of introspection. Here's what I wrote then...
What do I want at this tail end of living? Who cares? Why is it always about me? Shouldn't I be asking bigger questions like - What can I/we do to tackle systemic racism? Hunger? Inequality? Trumpism? etc. etc.... Yeah, I probably should but its just not where my head and heart are nowadays.
What I'm most interested in and want the most, (besides the health and happiness of the people I love, which is a given), is, hold your hats, to be closer to God.
The "hold your hats" comment is a defensive qualifier springing from a deep discomfort talking about God stuff publicly. I'm now 73 years old. Up until the age of 18 I was seriously twisted and abused by Catholic indoctrination and control. I've spent much of the past fifty years trying to recover from the damage done.
Escaping Catholicism has been one of the most important processes of my life. A difficult but exhilarating discovery of a world of truth and wonder. New exciting ideas were no longer threats to my "faith". Different cultures, sexual identities, political perspectives were no longer seen through a narrow Catholic prism. I could start to see thing more realistically and appreciatively beyond the shadows of judgement and fear.
So that was me three years ago. Where am I now? Am I closer to God? Have I found resolution and redemption? Uh, not quite. But....
I think I am more at peace. If you're at all familiar with my prior blog entries you know how I've struggled trying to find a place of of calmness and acceptance.
What's different? Did I have some sort of spiritual awakening? Did my years of meditation finally unlock the door? Did I finally accept Trump as the one, true Son of God? Nope.
What happpened was much more mundane.. I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease
I originally resisted the diagnosis but I eventually had to accept the fact that I have a chronic, progressive, debilitating disease. The pace of progression and severity of symptoms can vary widely. So far my main symptom is tremors and there has been minimal impact on my daily life. There is no cure but there are medications that can help with symptoms.
A tough pill to swallow, for sure, but I think it has been good for my restless soul.
The only coping strategy that makes sense at this point (and hasn't this 13 year blog been all about finding a coping strategy?) is to (drum roll) ....live in the present, take one day at a time, etc., etc. God I hate cliches. Oh well. That's it. I'm more peaceful and happier because I want to savor the joy of living while I'm still able to. I've been forced to truly accept my mortality. How simple! How liberating! How grateful I am!
Don't get me wrong. It's not easy but it's okay. And that's a big deal.
So how does this living from moment to moment manifest iitself?
Stay tuned!
