Putting your money where your thoughts are

Lying in bed this morning, waiting to get inspired to make my entrance onto terra firma, I was rethinking the thoughts expressed in yesterday's blog.  What was it about the Nietzsche reading that got me so jazzed up?  I've been stewing for months.  Feeling adrift, at sea, rudderless, etc. Not depressed necessarily, but unexcited, unmotivated, blah.  And here comes a guy who says, "A man never rises higher than when he does not know whither his path can still lead him." And, to ice the cake, this prestigious German philosopher backs up this assertion with a rather convincing line of reasoning.

Holy shit!   I'm not down I'm up!  I'm not lost, I'm found.  Friedrich, you da man.

Why should I feel validated and energized by the words of a 19th century philosopher who according to the short bio preceding the Sun magazine article...


"at the age of thirty-four..retired from is post as a professor...and for the next ten years led a nomadic existence, living in cheap boarding houses...all the while suffering poor health, experiencing nearly constant pain, and having limited human contact - conditions he saw as necessary to his work. (emphasis added) In 1889 he suffered a mental collapse in the streets of Turin, Italy, reputedly upon seeing a horse being whipped.  He never recovered, spending the last eleven years of his life in a semiconscious state.  He died in 1900. "

I think there may be more than validation going on here. It's nice to have someone suggest that my somewhat tortured quest for post retirement truth and meaning is an honorable, noble? pursuit.  But I have a sneaking suspicion that this warm and fuzzy afterglow of affirmation may soon be superseded by an uncomfortable call to principled action.  A dealers demand to ante up, to put my money where my thoughts are.

 Nietzsche's words earlier in the same essay provides an uncomfortable foreshadowing of the difficulty of making this translation. "...men are even lazier than they are timid, and fear most of all the inconveniences with which unconditional honesty and nakedness would burden them."

His own tragic life showed that the burden could go far beyond inconvenience.

I know I'm not ready to be unconditionally honest.  I used to try to make that my modus operandi but found it ultimately to be too self-serving at the expense of others. Nakedness is certainly out of the question at this late date  but a little more exposure could be a good thing.

In summary I feel Mr. Nietzsche gave me a pat on the back and somehow this is boosting my courage and energy to continue down the path even though I have no idea "wither (this) path can still lead." 

 Life can be so wonderful and fascinating at times.

"When death finds you may it find you alive"

The following quotes are from excerpts from Untimely Meditations by Fredrich Nietzche that appeared in the Sun magazine's November 2011 edition.

"There exists in the world a single path along which no one can go except you.  Whither does it lead? Do not ask, go along it. Who was it who said, "A man never rises higher than when he does not know whither his path can still lead him."


"But how can we find ourselves again? How can man know himself? He is a thing dark and veiled.."


"This is the means by which an inquiry into the most important aspect can be initiated; let the youthful soul look back on life with the question "What have you truly loved up to now; what has drawn your soul aloft; what has mastered it and at the same time blessed it?"  Set up these revered objects before you, and perhaps their nature and their sequence will give you a law, the fundamental law of your own true self.  Compare these objects one with another; see how one completes, expands , surpasses, transfigures another, how they constitute a stepladder upon which you have clambered up to yourself as you are now; for your true nature lies not concealed deep within you, but immeasurably high above you, or at  at least above that which you usually take yourself to be."

In the same edition of the Sun there is an extended interview with Michael Meade entitled "Your Own Damn Life" which also focuses on the importance of knowing yourself.."finding ourselves again."

He quotes an African proverb "When death finds you, may it find you alive"  and writes "Alive means living you own damn life, not the life that you parents wanted, or the life some cultural group or political party wanted, but the life that your own soul wants to live."

As the regular reader(s) of this blog know(s) this goes to the heart of my post retirement angst...what is "the life my own soul wants to live"?. Since retiring in May of last year I've been struggling trying to figure this out.  I, unfortunately, feel like I've made very little progress.   I was, however, energized and encouraged by both of these Sun articles, especially the sentiment expressed in the line...


"A man never rises higher than when he does not know whither his path can still lead him."


I'm not quite sure what that means but it inspired me enough to write this blog entry.  The first one in months.  That's something. 


I think in my next blog entry I'll try the exercise suggested by Nietzxche...


"What have you truly loved up to now; what has drawn you soul aloft; what has mastered it and at the same time blessed it?"  Set up these revered objects before you, and perhaps their nature and their sequence will give you a law, the fundamental law of your own true self. "


Stay tuned!

Post Script - I just reread some of my earlier blogs and came across one from 2010 which  I quote extensively from East Coker, one of the Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot. If the ideas above interest you at all I think you'll find Mr. Eliot's poetry worth reading.  Here's the link. to the blog.

I am a patriot

So I took a trip to downtown Binghamton last night to hang out with the Occupiers for awhile. The scene appeared surprisingly more stable and organized than the last time I was there. I had assumed the recent cold weather would be taking its toll. There are now two portapotties and there is a covered performance area with a killer sound system run by generators.  Tents completely filled the small grassy area in the park.  I did notice a distinct unwashed body odor that seemed to be coming from the tent area and there were some people who seemed to be struggling with mental health issues.  But overall the thirty to forty people there were relaxed, smiling and engaged. I was offered a flyer "We Are the 99%" which gave a brief, clear description of some of the movements guiding principles. Ages varied but most seemed young/college aged.  A few business men in suits standing on the border. Open mic was a gas.  The first several "acts" were young people of color who rapped without any music or percussion.  One woman with a F*ck Capitalism t-shirt seemed to be completely improvising. It was fascinating listening and watching her try to the words to express her very intense thoughts and feelings.  Very raw and real.  Another young woman read from Allen Ginsburg's Howl.  Right on! I brought my guitar and sang "I Am A Patriot" to the gathered throngs. Lots of people sang along and it felt great.  I was surprised by how moved I was.  After finishing singing I blurted out a thanks to everyone for being there and encouraged them to stay the course. Overall a very positive, uplifting experience.  I will go back.

What would Warren do?

Okay, I apologize.  It's been a long time.  I know that my faithful reader/s has/have been checking this blog over and over again trying to get another hit of Ferd's pithy pronouncements. Well here I go.  Another attempt at trying to capture a "fistful of rain".

Warren Zevon continues to play in and with my head.




I feel like I still need to figure something out that he is telling me.  This is the second time I've posted this picture.  He's dying and he makes an album about it and puts this picture on the cover.  How raw can you get?  Talk about raw, listen to Zevon and Springsteen do Disorder in the House on The Wind.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siqJq-8Sr6U  The guitar is incredible. The song is fucking incredible. It makes me want to scream, laugh, cry, kiss my wife, run around, jump up and down.  Fuck it. We're all dying but we can still be ALIVE! and KICKING!  Okay, I'll calm down.  I love that song.  Keep Me In Your Heart from the same album has a 180 degree different tone but  is still righteous and alive. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMTKb-pgxGI   What a sadly, beautiful song.

So what have I been doing since May 4th.  I doubt if you really give a shit.  It's not very interesting and I have no interest at all in going over the details. The theme is the same. Trying to stay alive. Trying to keep my heart and soul from freezing up.  I've been retired since April. and frankly often feel lost and emotionally flat.  It's probably the main reason I stopped writing this blog.  A feeling of being at sea.  Not wanting to further bore any reader with my relentless failure to punch my way out of the paper bag.  I think that is why I think I keep coming back to Zevon. When he was on the Letterman show for the last time he talks about appreciating every sandwich. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hl9Tw2GzvA Well, I obviously still don't know how to make the gratitude in my head live in my heart instead of just visiting every now and then.. I hold the sandwich in my hand and I'm glad I have it but... I keep hoping it doesn't take a diagnosis of terminal illness to find the redemption I'm looking for. Why not ask for more god dammit. I don't want to settle for the glimpses I find or forge from time to time.  I keep thinking Warren may have some sort of key.

A person I love very much told me that maybe I'm being too vertical and that perhaps I should consider being more horizontal.  (she was being very tactful)  I think she was saying I've been too focused on spiritual issues and neglecting relationship work. There may be something to that.  My main interests have been and remain very self-centered. I used to blame this on being a counselor who spent all of his "horizontal" energy at work.  That line of thinkng doesn't fly anymore.  Nevertheless I remain powerfully drawn to meditation and solitude. I have a vision of living alone in Mexico that I can't shake.  Maybe its time to get outside of my own head and start being a better husband, father, friend and citizen. I don't know. What would Warren do?

Cohabitation.

So much is happening in my life (actually retiring, going to a retirement dinner where I was the uncomfortable but grateful center of attention, dealing with a panopoly of issues at the house in Endicott where we are moving on May 12, feeling myself suddenly becoming weirdly and wildly detached from many of my gravity anchors for the past 15 years and finding this sudden buoyancy scarily exhilarating as I struggle to tell up from down and forward from backward)  that I feel incapable of capturing via these words even the faintest faintly true reflection of the dizzying chain of events, thoughts and feelings that have been cohabiting my being for the past several weeks. Cohabiting? Interesting.  I guess I'm beginning to internalize the observer role the Eckhart Tolle talks about.  He describes a critical point in his spiritual awakening when heard himself saying. "I can't stand me."  or something like that.  He was struck by the duality of his statement.  Who was the me and who was the I?  When I meditate I am able, sometimes, to get to a point where I realize, feel, know that all of this business of living  that sucks me in and makes me crazy with roller coaster emotions is really not me or even a reflection of me.  It's important that  I deal with the life's challenges but I don't need to identify so deeply with them.  Cohabitation, yes, but I own the house and don't have to put up with unwanted visitors.  Life continues to amaze and baffle me.  I  remain extraordinarily grateful for all of the mixed blessings I have received.

Ruminations

A colleague gave me a copy of "The Essential Rumi" for a retirement gift. (my last day at my current job is this Thursday 4/21/2011)  I have had brief exposure to these writings in the past but tended to shy away from them mainly because the people who would refer to Rumi seemed alien to me.  Well I think I may be turning into one of those aliens. Either I've evolved or gotten desperate but most of what I've read have gone straight to my heart. (I'm also becoming a big Bryan Adams fan which I don't understand either, Okay that's Straight from the Heart... same difference.)

Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight.
Be a connoisseur,
and taste with caution.
Any wine will get you high.
Judge like a king and choose the purest,
the ones unadulterated with fear,
or some urgency about "what's needed."
Drink the wine that moves you
as a camel moves when it's been untied,
and is just ambling about. 
(from The Many Wines, p.6)

and this from Burnt Kabob, p.8

But listen to me: for one moment,
quit being sad. Hear blessings
dropping their blossoms
around you. God.


I hope that today I will be able to hear and feel the blessings dropping around me.  I wish the same for you.

Wedding Wonders

We (why we and not I) (will the we get we-er or the I get bigger once retirement constant company kicks in?) went to my nephew's wedding this weekend. Both she and me found the experience emotionally challenging.  These family gatherings, especially funerals and weddings, are stark reminders of the accelerating passage of time and consequent impact of said passage on

- skin tone
- hair color
- posture
- dancing ability
- energy level
- contemporary music knowledge
- tolerance of loudness
-  need to leave early to get home to put jammies on and get to bed to read the book and be asleep my nine

Who the hell are all these old people?
Who are we/me?

To quote a great singer/songwriter

This train is moving too fast
I want this moment to last


Well at least the moment when I was watching the beautiful, young men and women dancing, and smiling and singing and thinking of how good life can be and is.

I am thinking more and more of Siddartha and his words to Govinda

"Time is not real, Govinda, I have experienced this often and often again.  And if time is not real, then the gap which seems to be between the world and eternity, between suffering and blissfulness, between evil and good, is also a deception."


As I watched them dancing I honestly felt I was them and they were me and we were every dancer that ever laughed and twirled and hugged and cried and gave our heart away and had our heart broken.


To life!