Faith Interrupted

I am a fallen Catholic and a rising Buddhist. I resist anything that has the least smell of doctrine. This posture is most likely a function of early spiritual abuse. A nameless personality disorder that manifests itself via deep longing for transcendence punctuated by creepy crawlies when someone tells me the way to salvation. Thus the dilemma. Do I gird my loins and try to follow a well worn path or do I do I wander in the wilderness hoping to come upon Shangri-La?

I'm now 63 years and I know and I don't know the answer. I believe I have reached a point in my life where paradox is not a problem but a solution in itself.

I wrote the above yesterday morning and I'm trying to continue the theme but I'm having difficulty focusing on high falutin spiritual matters. I wake up today with other, more immediate concerns. The irony is that letting day-to-day concerns trump spirituality is like asking the driver of the bus to move out of his seat so you can get a better view.

I just read my daughter Katie's latest blog entry about her thoughts and feelings about her and her husband Brian's imminent departure on a world travel adventure at Leap and the Net Will Appear. It's pushed me past the denial stage and I'm sitting here feeling sad about them leaving. It's a wonderful opportunity and they're very brave but I will miss them.

The other thing that's right in my face is my plan to file for Social Security retirement benefits this morning. My plan is to start receiving SS in January and leave my current job early in the year. The idea of not being employed scares the hell out of me but I know its the right thing to do. Just like my daughter, I'm thrilled by the door that is opening but anxious about what may be on the other side.

I'm enjoying writing this blog. It's therapeutic and fun. I especially like getting comments. I've received one so far. Thanks Martha!! Martha also has a blog, Boat Meal, which I read with relish.

I will resume my faith musings next time. Thanks for reading.

Too Long in Exile

I started meditating on a regular basis seven or eight years ago and I can unhesitatingly say that it has made my life better. I've experienced and am experiencing all of the advertised benefits of a regular meditation practice. Increased joy, peace, intimacy, awareness, gratitude, acceptance...decreased stress, worry, depression, fear.

I still struggle at times with day to day living but its not as difficult. I still take medications to keep my chloresterol and blood pressure down and my arthritis symptoms at bay. My hair is still thinning and neck waddles are wiggling. I have some very difficult days at work and often come home and get lost in mindless TV channel and computer surfing. But for me, in many ways, meditation has bee a life saver. I feel more awake and alive now than I ever have. I say that with some bitterness because there is a part of me that feels I wasted many years on automatic pilot.

Van Morrison singing Wasted Years with John Lee Hooker on the Too Long in Exile album.

I unsuccessfully attempted to establish a regular practice for a while but it didn't take until I started yoga classes. Yoga seemed to unbind something in me. It's difficult to explain but it gave me a glimpse of a calm mind. It helped me have the patience to sit still and not feel like I was going crazy. I resist theory. I know this stuff is good for me because it makes my life better not because it fits some theory I or someone else may have. Experiential not theoretical.

My practice has led me to go on a series of retreats. Most have been at IMS. The last retreat I went to was at the Vipassana Meditation Center in Shelburne, MA. This is one of the more tha 120 centers worldwide offering courses in Vipassana Meditation, as taught by S.N.Goenka and his assistant teachers in the tradition of Sayagyi U Ba Khin. IMS is also based on the Vipassana tradition but the meditation technique taught by Goenka is strikingly different especially in his use of body scanning.

These silent retreats usually last from 7 to 10 days and can be extremely intense and rewarding. I strongly recommend them for anyone interested in deepening their practice.

IMS has a three tier charge system with the minimum for an extended retreat usually being about $500. You're also asked to provide a donation to the teachers. There is no charge for the Goenka retreat but you are asked to make a donation and the daily schedule is more demanding. You must follow a strict monastic routine that includes minimal food after mid day and meditation sessions from 4:30 AM until 9 PM. At IMS no one checks if you're in a session. At Shelburne a moderator comes looking for you. At IMS there are usually three teachers who give Dharma talks and who you can meet with individually. At Shelburne teachings are via videos made by S.N. Goenka about fifteen years ago. You do have the opportunity to talk face to face with assistant teachers. At IMS participants are asked to volunteer to do a job i.e., wash dishes. At Shelburne "old students" volunteer to serve during retreats. Both places strongly discourage people from leaving early. At Shelburne, Goenka referred to an early exit as comparable to a patient getting off of the operating table during brain surgery. If that's not enough to scare you into staying they also ask you to turn over your car keys at the beginning of the ten day session. For some reason I wasn't asked for my keys and if I was I'm not sure I would have stayed. (I was told no one would force you to stay they just want a chance to talk to you before you leave)

While on retreat at both places you are not to read, talk, use a phone or look at others. You sit across from other while eating but don't make eye contact. The only person you're supposed to communicate with are brief sessions with teachers. You also agree to no stealing, killing (including insects) and sex. Men and women are separated at Goenka facilities but mixed at IMS. I found the separation of sexes helpful. By the third of fourth day at IMS the lack of other stimulation seemed to heighten sexual awareness and this could get distracting.

The Shelburne retreat was very different and for me a more powerful experience. It was in many ways so personal that I'm not sure how much I want to share in this blog. But it was very important to where I am now in my life. In fact when I retire, part of my evolving plan, is to spend time at that center doing volunteer service. I have some reservations about this as well which I may share in a future blog.

One of the first books I read on meditatioon was How to Meditate - A Guide to Self-Discovery by Lawrence LeShan. On the opening page he writes "We meditate to find, to recover, to come back to something of ouselves we once dimly and unknowingly had and have lost without knowing what it was or where or when we lost it." These were originally just words for me. Now, they are the truth.

Letting things go

Friday night dream... Dorothy and I are standing on a hill next to our dark blue 2008 Nissan Sentra. The car starts rolling down the hill towards a highway full of traffic. I try to chase after the car but Dorothy holds me back smiling and laughing. I'm furious. I want to save the car and she won't let me go. The car reaches the road and makes a right hand turn by itself and disappears.

Simple

I've just finished meditating after completing the prior blog post. While meditating I made the obvious connection between my fear of retirement and my self-worth issues. This simple, direct relationship is so glaring that it's almost embarrassing to write about it. (There's that embarrassing embarrassment stuff again) I'm afraid of retiring because my sense of self-worth is tied to my job. Duh. I think I've always known this but now I feel it. There's quite a difference and somehow it helps me feel more ready to make a move.

Living with clarity

In my first posting I seem to be setting goals for this whole operation. I want to be more accepting of myself and what I do. I want whatever I write to not be too constricted by a perceived need to have it be well-planned or thought out. And I want my writing to help me try to connect with guiding forces which will help me through the "tricky end game."

One of the things I'm trying to accept is that this blog is mainly going to be about me. I find this repulsive. It's not that I think I'm repulsive but there's an alarm bell that goes off when I turn the camera around.(My new iphone has a lens on both sides so all I have to do is push a button)

This reaction will hopefully help me come to terms with the egocentric bogeyman. It's frankly embarrassing to say too much about myself. What the hell does that mean? I hope it's more of a function of a belief that communal issues are more important than personal concerns. But I'm afraid it has more to do with feeling and thinking that there's fundamentally something wrong/embarrassing about me. That's truly fucked up and something I want to somehow get beyond. Easier said than done.

After typing the above lines I went to my book rack looking for my copy of Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach.Tara was one of the teachers at a retreat I attended at the Insight Meditation Society and her teachings and her book have been very helpful.

Well, I couldn't find her book but I picked out a book by Rodney Smith called Lessons from the Dying. He was a teacher at another retreat I went to at IMS. I opened the book to a random page and here is the first thing I read....

"There is an opportunity at death to give up all self-images, positive or negative. For peoople who have a low sense of self-worth, negative qualities can be more tenacious than positive ones because we believe in them more strongly. We often believe that we deserve to suffer, given how badly we feel about ourselves. We can even feel guilty for being happy."

He gives examples in the book of people who were successful in "working through ...negative self-images and dying with clarity."

Dying with clarity.
I want to live with clarity.

The opening quote of the book is apropos.
"Rehearse death. To say this is to tell a person to rehearse his freedom. A person who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave." - Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

Holding hands in the dark

I've just spent thirty minutes trying to come up with a blog title I can live with. Right Now! Right Now? Write Now? Write Now! As usual, resolution is ultimately compromise. I guess it finally comes down to acceptance. Accepting that my efforts are all right if they are from the heart and don't do damage. Accepting that despite my struggles with aging and pending retirement, joy and peace are lurking out there ready to pounce. All I have to do is let down my guard. Hell I could try to couch this in Buddhist terminology but it comes down to my choosing to be mired in past conditioning or deciding enough's enough. And it is.

So will I let my freak flag fly or continue to try to craft something solid, thoughtful and organized... certainly worthy of an "A" or at least an "atta boy". Impulsive rant/stream/vent or structured, thoughtful treatise. Some of both I hope. But there's a part of me that clearly leans toward the spontaneous. Somewhere I picked up the notion that less filter equals more truth. I think Allen Ginsberg and his ilk had a lot to do with that. I have an audio clip of him reciting "Howl" that I play to be reinspired re the power of art and balls-naked self-expression.

There's a new film out about him "Howl" I haven't seen it yet but the promo piece looks a bit too Hollywood to me. http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2072249881/ I glad he's getting attention I hope it doesn't sanitize him too much.

I am starting this blog as a way to connect. Connect with guiding forces which will help me find my way through this tricky end game. The form, timing and content of these hoped for hand holders through the dark are far from being clear. I invite you to be part of this journey and perhaps we can hold each other's hand along the way.