Wednesday, September 7, 2011

What would Warren do?

Okay, I apologize.  It's been a long time.  I know that my faithful reader/s has/have been checking this blog over and over again trying to get another hit of Ferd's pithy pronouncements. Well here I go.  Another attempt at trying to capture a "fistful of rain".

Warren Zevon continues to play in and with my head.

I feel like I still need to figure something out that he is telling me.  This is the second time I've posted this picture.  He's dying and he makes an album about it and puts this picture on the cover.  How raw can you get?  Talk about raw, listen to Zevon and Springsteen do Disorder in the House on The Wind.  The guitar is incredible. The song is fucking incredible. It makes me want to scream, laugh, cry, kiss my wife, run around, jump up and down.  Fuck it. We're all dying but we can still be ALIVE! and KICKING!  Okay, I'll calm down.  I love that song.  Keep Me In Your Heart from the same album has a 180 degree different tone but  is still righteous and alive.   What a sadly, beautiful song.

So what have I been doing since May 4th.  I doubt if you really give a shit.  It's not very interesting and I have no interest at all in going over the details. The theme is the same. Trying to stay alive. Trying to keep my heart and soul from freezing up.  I've been retired since April. and frankly often feel lost and emotionally flat.  It's probably the main reason I stopped writing this blog.  A feeling of being at sea.  Not wanting to further bore any reader with my relentless failure to punch my way out of the paper bag.  I think that is why I think I keep coming back to Zevon. When he was on the Letterman show for the last time he talks about appreciating every sandwich. Well, I obviously still don't know how to make the gratitude in my head live in my heart instead of just visiting every now and then.. I hold the sandwich in my hand and I'm glad I have it but... I keep hoping it doesn't take a diagnosis of terminal illness to find the redemption I'm looking for. Why not ask for more god dammit. I don't want to settle for the glimpses I find or forge from time to time.  I keep thinking Warren may have some sort of key.

A person I love very much told me that maybe I'm being too vertical and that perhaps I should consider being more horizontal.  (she was being very tactful)  I think she was saying I've been too focused on spiritual issues and neglecting relationship work. There may be something to that.  My main interests have been and remain very self-centered. I used to blame this on being a counselor who spent all of his "horizontal" energy at work.  That line of thinkng doesn't fly anymore.  Nevertheless I remain powerfully drawn to meditation and solitude. I have a vision of living alone in Mexico that I can't shake.  Maybe its time to get outside of my own head and start being a better husband, father, friend and citizen. I don't know. What would Warren do?