Thursday, March 29, 2012

Who's left out and what's kept in

As I review my past blog entries I'm struck by several things.  One of these is the ongoing uneasiness I feel about the self-centeredness of much of my writing.  I have a strong feeling that it's just not right to talk about yourself so much,  especially when it's about deeply personal things.  So far this concern has taken a back seat to the thrilling satisfaction I get from finding the words to express deeply held thoughts and feelings.  It's like I'm on an exciting treasure quest.  I find clues here and there and every once in a while stumble upon something that  makes my heart soar.  Like seeing a new spring warbler or finding a patch of hepatica on a cold March morning.  And one of the most amazing things is that these treasures are inside me.  It's not that I'm a great prize it's that trying to create something from the heart,  which I'm trying to do in this blog, connects me with something bigger than me.  It's this connection with a  powerful, positive, mysterious, integrating force (God?) which somehow allows me to give myself permission to be publicly personal.  Hell, isn't that what artists do all the time?  If they're not putting their heart into their work I'm not interested.

Which leads me to the point I wanted to make in this entry which is that despite my semi-elaborate defence of soul baring there are things will not discuss here.  Namely, I consider my my family and friends out-of-bounds.  I have no right to bring my relationship to them or any of their issues to this public place.

That on the surface is an extremely reasonable and important boundary.  The problem is that my family and friends are an very important part of me.  If I am truly trying to use this space as a vehicle of personal expression and discovery how can this be done with fullness and integrity without dealing with the people I love?  The people that many ways define who I am and how I live my life?

I have no answer to this.  There are many things I'd feel it would be helpful to explore re  the people in my life but this is not the place. This isn't a diary or journal.  This is public.  Duh.  It's just that I feel like I end up putting on the breaks when I get into areas involving other people and somehow this seems to violate the spirit of what I'm trying to do here. There may be a way to play the edges on this issue which I haven't discovered.  We'll see.

All of this also raises the interesting question of why I feel the compulsion to do any of this publicly.  Why not just keep a personal journal where nothing would be out of bounds?

 I'm not sure I know the answer to this either.  What I do know is that I've been able to keep this blog going for awhile now and I've never been able to keep a journal despite numerous efforts.  Just knowing that someone else might read this and might take the time to respond is energizing.  The "why" probably has to do with wanting connection.  There's that word again.