The beginning is an end. The middle becomes an end before I'm ready. The cycles are exhilarating, dizzying but ultimately depressing and debilitating. My enthusiasms transport and elevate me than leave me stranded on a hill of denied expectations. Reincarnation into repetitive circles of duka. Unsatisfactory, dis-ease.
I believe if I''m going to be as present/alive/awake as I can be during this last portion of my life I cannot turn my back and wishfully ignore the sadness and discouragement I often feel.. I have a storehouse of philosophical and physical strategies I use to stave off this darkness but it seems very skilled at finding a chink in my armor.
Today is Wednesday, December 7, 2013. It seems like its been cold and cloudy for weeks.
No wonder I stopped writing that. Dark indeed but it still rings true. Using that as a jumping off point is like a pre-sex cold shower. Chilling but somehow still hopeful something will rise up from the depths.
It is now glorious mid-summer. The grass, flowers, trees are spectacular. Greens of every shade and hue bring not only pleasing beauty but a satisfying, nurturing comfort. Maybe this sense of well-being is some sort of atavistic response to nature's bounty that's triggered by a relaxation of the survival instincts/pressures.
In any case, my wordy analysis above only clouds what I truly want to say, which is simply, It's beautiful outside and the beauty makes me feel wonderful....at times. There's still some of the dis-ease/duka mentioned above but it's continually morphing into new forms shaped by my ongoing struggle to sort things out.
sol-ip-sism1. Philososhy, the theory that only the self exists, or can be proven to exist
2. extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc; egoistic self-absorption.
That's it. That's the heart of this blog. Egoistic self-absorption. Ferdrightnow is my full Monty egoism untempered by fear of social reprimand. Screw it. Let 'er rip Ferd.
So here's what I really want to talk about.... (to be continued)