Friday, January 11, 2013

What I Really Want To Do (Part Three)

Okay I'm still circling the room bobbing and wiggling and my new life coach then asks.

"What's keeping you from accomplishing these goals?"

This is a good example of how life can get very complicated.  I'm being asked to answer a question based on my incomplete answer to a prior question.

I suggested that part of the problem is that I didn't want to force the issue.  I didn't want to soldier on waiting for the hearfelt stuff to kick in.  I wanted my gut and soul to lead the way not my head.

I'm going to copy and paste a blog entry I made in April, 2011 just before my last day at work.  It fits here.  I love both of these Rumi poems.  I think the sentiments expressed capture why, at this point of my life, I'm choosing to "amble" instead of march.

From Ruminations published 4/19/2011.

RumiA colleague gave me a copy of "The Essential Rumi" for a retirement gift. (my last day at my current job is this Thursday 4/21/2011)  I have had brief exposure to these writings in the past but tended to shy away from them mainly because the people who would refer to Rumi seemed alien to me.  Well I think I may be turning into one of those aliens. Either I've evolved or gotten desperate but most of what I've read have gone straight to my heart. (I'm also becoming a big Bryan Adams fan which I don't understand either, Okay that's Straight from the Heart... same difference.)

Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight.
Be a connoisseur,
and taste with caution.
Any wine will get you high.
Judge like a king and choose the purest,
the ones unadulterated with fear,
or some urgency about "what's needed."
Drink the wine that moves you
as a camel moves when it's been untied,
and is just ambling about. 
(from The Many Wines, p.6)

and this from Burnt Kabob, p.8

But listen to me: for one moment,
quit being sad. Hear blessings
dropping their blossoms
around you. God.

I hope that today I will be able to hear and feel the blessings dropping around me.  I wish the same for you.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

What I really want (part two)

In my prior blog I mentioned that I felt like I was holding back something important when I tried to answer the question "what do you really want to do with the rest of your life?" ...some fundamental admission that might open the door to a deeper understanding..

There were some things I'd really want but I didn't list because they were too... outlandish? personal?  threatening?  Some of these certainly hover in the shadows of repressed desires.   Not all of which are sensual...things that I've put on a back burner because I have chosen other priorities.   I'm comfortable letting these sleeping dogs lie and I'm fairly sure that they're not the missing links in this puzzle.
 Take it away Mick... You Can't Always Get What You Want!   Earlier video of this song is an interesting contrast.

I wonder what Mick really wants to do before he dies?

Monday, January 7, 2013

What do I really want to do with the rest of my life

I recently had a "life coaching" session where I was first asked to dance around a musicless room and let my body do whatever it wanted to.  The coach said that often resistance we feel is trapped in our muscles and some free-form movement can help release it.  Okay.  So I'm walking in circles, simultaneously rolling my shoulders and head and bobbing up and down. Feeling silly but eventually looser and more at ease.

As I was moving  I was asked what I really wanted to do with the rest of my life.

Say what?

My initial response to this surprised me.  I wanted to say "to hell with this" and stop the session. Whoa. Talk about resistance.  I held my tongue and decided to take a chance and go forward.  Choosing to let trust trump fear.

I don't remember exactly how I answered the question but I do remember the main things I said I wanted to do before I bit the big one...

- try to be as close as possible to the people I loved
- be closer to God.  (I can't believe I said that. Especially with a capital G.  I thought I chucked all that God stuff a long time ago)  Maybe another angle to approach this would be to say I'd like to be as alive and as awake as possible.
- be passionately involved in something bigger than myself that required me to use and develop my creative talents.
- be a better golfer

Hmm.  What about service?  How does the Buddhist concept of non-attachment fits these goals?

The fact is that while I was saying these things, there was a small voice telling me it was all bullshit. All these things are important and I really want them but why the hollow feeling after I say them out loud.  Why the empty and sad aftertaste?.  Is it because I'm putting my short-timer status in the spotlight?  Death lurking in the shadows? Yikes! Maybe a little but it probably has a lot more to do with the fact that I can't shake the feeling that something's missing.  Something fundamental.

That's pathetic.  If I was told today that I had one month to live I'm pretty sure I'd figure it out tout suite.  And the sad fact is I do have a terminal  And I'm getting fairly frustrated with all this floundering around while the clock is ticking.

The other side, and it's a big one, of this multifaceted coin is that I'm pretty damn happy with my life.  I'm filled with gratitude for its blessings.  I just, selfishly?,  want more.   "Hey why not ask for more?" Once again Leonard Cohen is the man.

This  Peanuts cartoon ran in today's paper.


More on my coaching session next time.  Keep wiggling!