Friday, December 21, 2012

Crash Landing


As some of my regular readers may realize there are recurrent themes in these ramblings.  One of the most persistent is what to do about loss and impending loss.  That this is an issue for a sixty-five year old retiree is not surprising.  What also may not be surprising is that my attempts to answer this question have, for the most part, been strained and muddled.  The fact is there seems to be a myriad of approaches to coming to terms, answering?, dealing with? the issue of loss.  The approach I embrace at any particular time is more a function of immediate reality than some eternal truth.

Case in point.

I spent  much of the past month working to bring a car to my daughter in Tucson.  We had a 2003 Sentra which my wife and I agreed we wanted to give this very brave and gifted but currently financially challenged offspring.  I had new tires and a new stereo installed and spent five days driving the car to Arizona.  I spent several wonderful days with my daughter who deeply appreciated the gift.  It was a big step up from the bicycle she was using. This past Sunday she called us and tearfully reported the car had been hit in the middle of the night while it was parked in the street outside her apartment.  The driver didn't stop and the car, which had no collision insurance, was too damaged to be worth fixing.  The police said they'd keep a look out for a vehicle with a damaged front end but gave her little hope.



She was very upset but described the process of dealing with the loss as a "spiritual exercise."  So would I.  But I guess the point I'm trying to make is I'm not as sure as I've been in the past about what the substance of this exercise should be.

Acceptance of loss and impermanence as norms not an exceptions is a beginning step that still feels right.  Sure nothing lasts,  try to stay in the present, appreciate the moment etc.  but that doesn't help very much with the anger I feel about the fact that someone hit the car and then left, leaving my daughter to deal with the aftermath and that once again she'll be bicycling on busy city streets. The parent in me wants to protect her .

Maybe another loss I have to accept is my role as a parent.  She's not a child anymore.  We've done pretty much the best we were able.  She is making life choices that are putting her well outside the mainstream and  beyond many of the traditional sources of security.   She is courageously trying to live life as authentically as possible.  I deeply respect this but it scares me. 

So she's back on her bicycle and  the work and money that went into getting the car to her is lost.  My role as a protective parent is, for the most part an anachronism.  I end up feeling, once again, that there's not much more to do than to suck it up, accept these losses as par for the course and try to live life from moment to moment with an open heart. Meditation, exercise, eating right, drinking less, writing this blog, working to find friends and community, and seeking out art and beauty also help. I think that I should also try to forgive and feel compassion for the person who ran away after the accident.  The anger/resentment is a poison not worth carrying.

All of this is not a clean fix by any means but it's the best that I've got at this stage of the game.

So I continue to go forward struggling to accept the inevitability of loss, still thrilled to be part of this journey of sorrow and joy called life. 

3 comments:

  1. Hey Ferd - not sure if you remember me ... you once gave me a hard time as I was trying to make a living selling you Aflac :) I'm a friend of Katie's - and wanted to say that "the work and money that went into getting the car to her" IS NOT LOST.

    Like anything you've done for your daughter - you've enriched her life and yours ... strengthened the relationship and bond. Yes, she will not benefit from having the use of the car, but she still does from having a pop that is willing to fix up and deliver her a car ... that's pretty exceptional. And I'd like to say kudos to you, and good for my friend Katie to have you as her pop.

    Keep your chin up - and I'll try to do the same.

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    1. Good point. I agree that there were and are benefits from this car episode that will never be lost. Thanks for taking the time to reply. Sorry about the hard time I gave you. I vaguely remember. I used to get up on a high horse quite a bit back then. I think life has made me a bit more humble and considerate. Both sides now and all of that.

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  2. No apology needed - glad life has made you humble ... that's the best way to be in my opinion.

    Merry Holidays and New Year!

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