In my last post I noted that some of the happiest times in my life was when I was deeply involved in a cause or a project. Something I could lose myself in. (How does this jive with the loss of self goal of Buddhism and meditation?) I don't want the mistakes I made in obsessive involvement repeat themselves by me losing myself on some spiritual path. This aversion to single minded commitment is reinforced by my conviction most of the evil in the world is the work of true believers. But you're either on the bus or off the bus. Right?
This is difficult. I want salvation but what price am I willing to pay. There is a part of me that has a strong desire to become deeply involved in Buddhist practice. To go to a retreat center and spend months in deep meditation. Will I lose myself or find where I really reside?
I will soon no longer have a job. I will wake each day and have to decide how to spend my time. I don't want want to fade away but I want to be at peace. I want to feel as alive, awake and connected as possible but I don't want this desire to be twisted either by being mindlessly busy to fend off emptiness or by locking myself away in a monastery So I want the perfect balance between contemplation and engagement, being and doing, having and letting go, stimulation and calmness, attachment and non-atttachment, belief and skepticism. The Middle Way? The Golden Mean? Mindfulness/paying attention and acceptance may be the best operating principles. Easier said than done. And what if it's the wrong choice. Second chances may be running out.
Ferd - Your blog is really interesting, inspiring, and thought-provoking. (Remember Sesame Street’s “interesting, provocative, and well-seasoned”?)
ReplyDeleteMy two comments are about your either/or dichotomies, and the idea of losing the self.
For me, the problem of dichotomies can usually be ameliorated by thinking of the opposites as the endpoints of a continuum. Not whether to choose one end or the other, but rather, to choose where, and on which side, of the spectrum to align one’s thinking. Balance implies a more or less centrist point of view. Sometimes I’m more comfortable to the right or left of center, which isn’t necessarily balanced. This kind of thinking has only been accessible, and more or less comfortable for me, in the last five years or so. I’m more at ease with ambiguity and the color grey than in the previous five decades.
As far as losing the self by becoming completely emerged in an activity, I’ve always been somewhat baffled about whether this is the same sort of loss of self that the great spiritual traditions extol, or whether it’s just total mindlessness. If I surface after an hour of, say, sewing, or drawing, and I’m surprised that an hour has gone by, have I been mystically in tune with the universe, or just completely mindless? If I’m not aware that I’m being mindful, am I really being mindful??? Is mindfulness at odds with loss of self?
Please keep writing.