Faith revisited again

I keep riding this horse because for me, at this point in my life, it's the crux of the matter. I am looking for patterns of past thinking and behaviors which will help me approach the future with more skill, wisdom and resolve.

In my last post I noted that some of the happiest times in my life was when I was deeply involved in a cause or a project.  Something I could lose myself in.  (How does this jive with the loss of self goal of Buddhism and meditation?)  I don't want the mistakes I made in obsessive involvement repeat themselves by me losing myself on some spiritual path. This aversion to single minded commitment is reinforced by my conviction most of the evil in the world is the work of true believers.  But you're either on the bus or off the bus. Right?

This is difficult.  I want salvation but what price am I willing to pay. There is a part of me that has a strong desire to become deeply involved in Buddhist practice.  To go to  a retreat center and spend months in deep meditation.  Will I lose myself or find where I really reside?

I will soon no longer have a job.  I will wake each day and have to decide how to spend my time.    I don't want want to fade away but I want to be at peace. I want to feel as alive, awake and connected as possible but I don't want this desire to be twisted either by being mindlessly busy to fend off emptiness or by locking myself away in a monastery   So I want the perfect balance between contemplation and engagement, being and doing, having and letting go, stimulation and calmness, attachment and non-atttachment, belief and skepticism.  The Middle Way?  The Golden Mean?  Mindfulness/paying attention and acceptance may be the best operating principles. Easier said than done.  And what if it's the wrong choice.  Second chances may be running out. 

Faith Interrupted

I am a fallen Catholic and a rising Buddhist. I resist anything that has the least smell of doctrine. This posture is most likely a function of early spiritual abuse. A nameless personality disorder that manifests itself via deep longing for transcendence punctuated by creepy crawlies when someone tells me the way to salvation. Thus the dilemma. Do I gird my loins and try to follow a well worn path or do I do I wander in the wilderness hoping to come upon Shangri-La?

I'm now 63 years and I know and I don't know the answer. I believe I have reached a point in my life where paradox is not a problem but a solution in itself.

I wrote the above yesterday morning and I'm trying to continue the theme but I'm having difficulty focusing on high falutin spiritual matters. I wake up today with other, more immediate concerns. The irony is that letting day-to-day concerns trump spirituality is like asking the driver of the bus to move out of his seat so you can get a better view.

I just read my daughter Katie's latest blog entry about her thoughts and feelings about her and her husband Brian's imminent departure on a world travel adventure at Leap and the Net Will Appear. It's pushed me past the denial stage and I'm sitting here feeling sad about them leaving. It's a wonderful opportunity and they're very brave but I will miss them.

The other thing that's right in my face is my plan to file for Social Security retirement benefits this morning. My plan is to start receiving SS in January and leave my current job early in the year. The idea of not being employed scares the hell out of me but I know its the right thing to do. Just like my daughter, I'm thrilled by the door that is opening but anxious about what may be on the other side.

I'm enjoying writing this blog. It's therapeutic and fun. I especially like getting comments. I've received one so far. Thanks Martha!! Martha also has a blog, Boat Meal, which I read with relish.

I will resume my faith musings next time. Thanks for reading.