What do I really want to do with the rest of my life

I recently had a "life coaching" session where I was first asked to dance around a musicless room and let my body do whatever it wanted to.  The coach said that often resistance we feel is trapped in our muscles and some free-form movement can help release it.  Okay.  So I'm walking in circles, simultaneously rolling my shoulders and head and bobbing up and down. Feeling silly but eventually looser and more at ease.

As I was moving  I was asked what I really wanted to do with the rest of my life.

Say what?

My initial response to this surprised me.  I wanted to say "to hell with this" and stop the session. Whoa. Talk about resistance.  I held my tongue and decided to take a chance and go forward.  Choosing to let trust trump fear.

I don't remember exactly how I answered the question but I do remember the main things I said I wanted to do before I bit the big one...

- try to be as close as possible to the people I loved
- be closer to God.  (I can't believe I said that. Especially with a capital G.  I thought I chucked all that God stuff a long time ago)  Maybe another angle to approach this would be to say I'd like to be as alive and as awake as possible.
- be passionately involved in something bigger than myself that required me to use and develop my creative talents.
- be a better golfer

Hmm.  What about service?  How does the Buddhist concept of non-attachment fits these goals?

The fact is that while I was saying these things, there was a small voice telling me it was all bullshit. All these things are important and I really want them but why the hollow feeling after I say them out loud.  Why the empty and sad aftertaste?.  Is it because I'm putting my short-timer status in the spotlight?  Death lurking in the shadows? Yikes! Maybe a little but it probably has a lot more to do with the fact that I can't shake the feeling that something's missing.  Something fundamental.

That's pathetic.  If I was told today that I had one month to live I'm pretty sure I'd figure it out tout suite.  And the sad fact is I do have a terminal illness...life.  And I'm getting fairly frustrated with all this floundering around while the clock is ticking.

The other side, and it's a big one, of this multifaceted coin is that I'm pretty damn happy with my life.  I'm filled with gratitude for its blessings.  I just, selfishly?,  want more.   "Hey why not ask for more?" Once again Leonard Cohen is the man.

This  Peanuts cartoon ran in today's paper.



More on my coaching session next time.  Keep wiggling!